May 31, 2021

Where did the month of May go??? Today is Memorial Day and Edna took John to hike for the day. I really needed a break so it's a beautiful gift. I can spend the day doing whatever I want! John woke up kinda early today (I was still asleep) and that woke up our old dog Parker. Parker is getting pretty blind and only cares about food, so somewhere in the process of John getting out of bed, or maybe back in, Parker bit John's foot. He was probably trying to get John to feed him breakfast. It was just a little nip, no skin was broken, and I couldn't even see a mark. But John lost his mind! He was very mad I wouldn't take him to the doctor and was very worried he would die. While we were lying in bed I started writing down what he was saying, so here's a sample of things he said, ranting for about half an hour: "I wish you cared about me. I can't believe you let this happen. Please go call the doctor. There's no telling what kind of damage is occurring. Why did you let this happen? It could destroy my brain. I can't believe you don't care. I'm pretty scared about this right now. The dog has put stuff in me that shouldn't be in me. You haven't called anybody! We need to make sure somebody is not going to die. I can't believe this! I'll probably be dead soon enough. You've got your license! (That was sarcasm, he was saying I don't have my medical license so I don't know how to handle his dog bite.) When you don't pay attention that's when things really go bad. Please call a doctor and at least tell them what's going on. Christ! I'm sorry Lord I didn't mean to say that. Apparantly I'm too stupid for anybody to do what's right. I need to walk back to where the house was. I was stupid enough to think someone would do something to get it taken care of. It's a holiday - it's a horrible day because nobody listens to me. You should call somebody. Now I'm dying cuz things weren't done right. I guess we do nothing until my leg falls off." Then he fell back to sleep for a bit.

May 9, 2021

John's neurologist suggested we see a psychiatrist to evaluate John's medications. We had the first appointment last week with the psychiatrist (who looks a little bit like Taylor Swift!). It was a virtual appointment which is so convenient! She asked initial questions, and I explained the purpose of the appointment and summarized John's health issues. I said he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease at 59 1/2, and John immediately chimed in and said he doesn't have Alzheimer's and that there's no evidence that he does. He explained that "this happens over here, and that happens over there, but my mind is better than ever". He continued to refute the diagnosis for a while as I shook my head a little bit next to him. The Dr asked John some questions: What year is this? What month is this? Who is president? and a few more like that. He wasn't able to answer any of them except that he knew we live in Brea. But he explained to the Dr that he hasn't looked at those things for a while and that's why he doesn't know. He actually sounds a little convincing on a cursory level, but he's not able to hide his confusion for long. I discussed my concern about the frustrations he exhibits in the morning, and explained that is the most difficult time for us. I believe he's frustrated because he knows he should be able to handle the routine himself, and he's frustrated that he can't. The Dr asked what John does if I don't intercede, and I said if, for example, he's in the shower, he'll just stand there for a 1/2 hour until I take over. John takes 2 different depression medications, and ultimately the Dr suggested that we increase one of them, and then after 6 weeks or so, decrease the other. She recommends that the one medication be increased because that may help him deal with his frustrations. So we started that right away, and we'll evaluate it at our next appointment in 6 weeks. I initially assumed the appointment was going to be a total waste of time, but in the end I think it might be helpful. We'll see.

May 1, 2021

I can't believe it's May already! I must be old because time feels like it's flying by. I was thinking this morning about how John used to take so many books off his shelf and pile them around the house. He doesn't do that anymore. At least not with 20-30 books at a time. Now he empties a couple junk drawers over and over again. The top drawer of his dresser is filled with a lot of stuff he doesn't use anymore - business cards, collar stays, stuff like that. Now he pulls out that old stuff and spreads it out on top of his dresser. And then he leaves it there. So I neurotically put it all away multiple times a day. He does that downstairs in his office too. Drives me nuts! But at least it's easier to clean up than hauling all those books around! The other morning while taking his pills he said 'This is killing kids!' I'm not sure what he was talking about, but I assured him no kids were being killed. He didn't bring it up again so that was good. He also mentioned a little purple man the other night. He asked me where the little purple man was. I thought he might be talking about a Hulk figure he has, but he's mostly green but with purple shorts. So far that hasn't come up again either. Weird. Mornings continue to be the most difficult. I really like the new hand held shower head we have. Since John just stands in the shower doing nothing, I can now easily grab the shower head, dowse down his hair, wash it, then rinse the soap out. He hates it - griping the whole time that I'm killing him, but it's fast. He also says I'm hurting him while I shave him. He's not able to be specific so I don't know if there's anything I could do differently that would help. In general he says that 'things aren't set up properly' so he can't get tasks done. I think he no longer knows how, so he blames the set up rather than admit he's confused. Especially in the morning he repeatedly asks me "What are you doing?" in an accusatory tone. I'll reply 'combing my hair' or 'putting on makeup'. Then a few minutes later he asks again in that accusatory tone. I try to not snap back at him but don't always succeed. On a more positive note, when we are with other people, John often says 'he seems like a really good guy' or 'she seems very nice'. He most often has very positive things to say about people we meet or come in contact with. People impress him, and he comments on it. That's nice.