February 20, 2022

I feel my patience slipping away. I'm definitely crabbier and I snap at John more quickly. He's driving me nuts. He's struggling to understand what's going on, so he's constantly questioning me, asking the same questions over and over. It's so damn annoying! It feels like Chinese water torture. Each drop is nothing, but the constant dripping is driving me insane. He's having trouble brushing his teeth now. Once he gets started he's ok, but getting the toothbrush into his mouth is a battle all its own. Today we went out to run an errand and he was concerned that he hadn't brushed his teeth. He had, but it had been a few hours. He obsessed over his unbrushed teeth the whole time we were driving (admittedly it was only 15 minutes, but that's a long time on such a small topic!) Once we arrived his attention was diverted so the topic was finally dropped. The other day we were at an appointment and John was asked to wash his hands. They gestured toward the bathroom, but he still couldn't find it. It was the only door in that area. Then once I got him inside he didn't know what to do. I turned on the water, pumped soap in his palm, and then he was able to wash. Once he was done he almost tossed the paper towels in the toilet! That could have been ugly.

February 13, 2022

John has been having a difficult time lately. or I guess an increasingly difficult time. Simple tasks are beginning to be a challenge. Like brushing his teeth. Sometimes he can do it without hesitation. Other times he gripes "I don't know what to do!" I tell him to put the toothbrush in his mouth and use it to brush his teeth. His response: "You keep saying that. You're destroying me!" Then he gets started and it seems like he's over the hump and knows how to brush his teeth, then he announces again "I don't know what to do!" I tell him to spit out the toothpaste. He responds again "You keep saying that, but I don't know what to do. How long do I have to live like this? It's killing me. I'll just go away and never come back. This is awful. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do. I can't do this anymore. This is destroying me. I don't know why you want to destroy me. Things aren't set up right. I just want to go away and have a better life. You keep telling me these things that are damaging in the worst way. What do I do now? I don't know! Why am I being pained in the worst way? I don't know what you're doing. You're doing things that don't make sense." That morning soliloquy is very common. Almost everything he says in the morning is negative. After an hour of that negativity I'm so happy to go to work and get away from it. The other day I started his shower and asked him to feel the water and make sure he liked the temperature before he got in. His immediate response, before he stepped near the water let alone touched it, was "It's awful!" Another toothbrushing issue - and hand washing issue. He doesn't always turn off the water. That worries me - that he'll leave the water running and I won't be in the bathroom and notice it in time. John is now afraid of the dark. He hates it when I walk outside after it's dark to pick up the mail. He's sure a wild animal is going to attack me. He follows me outside wringing his hands at the danger, so annoyed that I'm not afraid as well. He's also concerned that an animal will come and bite off his toe. Recently John drank his beer with a straw. I was drinking a margarita and I think he wanted to emulate me with the straw. Another strange eating thing - he sometimes moves the food he's eating off his plate and onto his napkin, eating off his napkin instead of his plate. Easter Seals is back in person and has been for a couple weeks. He likes socializing. Sometimes when I pick him up at the end of the day he needs to walk back inside and say goodbye to everyone one more time. It's sweet.