July 18, 2021

John's continued to be agitated - especially when he's at home with me and Jordan. When other people are around, he' less cranky, or has the sense to hide it. When it's just us, he bitches and complains much of the time. Every morning, when I'm washing his hair, shaving his face, etc, he complains that I'm damaging him. The water damages his eyes. The razor hurts. The click of the shower door damages his hearing. So does the sound of closing the door of the cabinets. He says I'm causing him pain when we go through the mundane but necessary processes of daily living. Recently, while we were in our bedroom, he asked me 4 times, over less than an hour, "When are we going home?". Yesterday, while I was in the laundry room folding laundry, he asked "Is Susan at work?" I just said "I'm Susan and we're at home." Another time I found his phone all taped up with scotch tape - as though he was trying to block the opening for the charging cord. While holding his phone he's asked me for tape a few times since then, so it seems as though he's wanted to tape it up again. A couple weeks ago I had the flu and spent 2 days lying in bed. He was surprisingly good about it! Typically he gets really annoyed if I'm relaxing in bed in the morning, lying there reading the news on my phone. Although I had to remind him that I was sick a whole bunch of times, he didn't get upset that I wasn't doing anything and seemed happy to watch TV with me. That was a huge relief. The other day John showed me a picture of our little baby grandson Jorge and said 'You can't help but smile!' It was a sweet moment. John has continued to be worked up about not being able to drive. He thinks he simply needs to buy a car and his life will be back on course. So wherever we go, he's been looking at cars and talking about which ones he should buy. Recently Edna (from Easter Seals) commented that when they go out walking, he stops to look at cars and has started looking inside people's cars too. The concern is that someone will see him and think John is scoping out cars to steal or break into. So we've been reminding him to keep a distance from other people's cars so they don't get worried or mad at him. Our old dog seems to really be losing his mind lately. He paces around the house like a lunatic, seems to have trouble hearing, and definitely has trouble seeing - he walks into things, or falls off the steps. Anyway, this week he started pooping in the house. Yuck is an understatement. He pooped in our bathroom 3 times during 3 nights. And of course John stepped in it during the night 2 of those 3 times. The first time John clearly worked feverishly to get the poop off his foot, before finally waking me up. He smeared the poop all over the floor, ground it into the rug, and turned a relatively small mess into a big huge mess. So I got up, cleaned the floor, washed the rug, and then had to wash John's foot because he couldn't figure out how to do that himself. Good times. I wrote down a bunch of things John's been saying: Things just keep getting worse and they're going to continue to get worse. Should I walk away and never come back? That would show the world that they're doing things wrong. People in the world who make me think I'm important to them aren't making me important to them. I know how to get things done but all kinds of people are doing this, doing that. I'm completely and absolutely nothing. Why someone would do that to me is unbelievable. I'd like my life back. I need people who are actually smart enough to figure out how things work. I don't have the ability I should have cuz nobody has given me the information that I need, the equipment that I need. You haven't given me one iota of information that tells me something is useful. I think I'll go lie in the street and see if anyone decides to hit me. I've gotta go somewhere to figure out how to get my life back. And here are a couple short conversations: John: What are you doing? Me: Reading a news article. John: It doesn't matter to me because my life doesn't mean anything. John: Things are not being done appropriately here. Things aren't stored properly. Me: What would you like done differently? John: Not exist. It's damaging me. That's why I need to go someplace else. Should I walk away? Me: Please don't. John: I'm kinda stuck I guess. So John's Alzheimer's continues its horribly slow march into oblivion. He has moments of joy and satisfaction, but mostly he's frustrated and confused. He can still hide it pretty well when others are around, but it increasingly shows it's ugly self despite his efforts.