August 28, 2021

I’ve read they expect there to be 152 million cases of Alzheimer’s Disease by 2050, and that the sheer volume has the potential to destroy our health care system. I’ve tried giving John low dose weed gummies a few times. I’ve noticed a small improvement, maybe. But it’s not significant. He may need a larger dose. Today John asked me “What do you do when you’re not at work? I said ‘I hang out with you.’ Which made me wonder… so I asked ‘how are we related?’ He said he wasn’t sure. I suggested with a smile that maybe I’m his daughter. Then sister. I asked if we are married. He confidently said ‘No’. I told him we are married. That I’m his wife. He said ‘Susan?’ I said yes. He earlier asked me ‘Where do you live?’ Actually I thought he was in a pretty good place today. He was less agitated than he’s been recently. But it’s interesting to realize how confused he is, when I actually thought he was doing fairly well given recent levels of agitation. John has been particularly irritable and agitated lately. He yells/bitches at me and Jordan a lot. Especially in the morning. He gripes nonstop the entire time that we’re getting ready in the morning. Then I leave for work and he goes after Jordan. While she drives him to Easter Seals in the morning he complains/argues the whole time. She often calls me at work so I can try to talk him down and help him to be reasonable. He is obsessed about buying a new car so he can 'get his life back.' He also thinks he needs to get every little thing repaired on our old cars. He seems to think that I'm irresponsible for not fixing a crack in our dashboard. But since our car is a teenager now, I think that's an unnecessary and expensive repair for an old car! Here’s a few more conversations he and I have had recently: ‘I feel like I’ve been sent to prison. Because no one is giving me sufficient information about what is going on.’ ‘I’m horribly stressed.' ‘I don’t have existence. I might as well jump out the window.’ (Which is kinda funny since we’re only 1/2 a story up!) He often says he thinks he’s going to die today, or at least very soon. Every day he wants to go to Costco. When I take him, the desire doesn’t go away. He just asks about it the next day. When I say that we just went the day before he says ‘Well we didn’t look at things.’ ‘I don’t know what to do.’ ‘About what?’ ‘I don’t know. That’s the point.’ ‘I feel awful.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I don’t know. I haven’t been able to get the information I need.’ ‘What information do you need?’ ‘I don’t know! That’s the problem! I should walk away and never come back.’ Fortunately, despite many threats, he hasn't walked away yet.