October 17, 2020

It's been almost 3 weeks since my mom passed. I've been working through all the paperwork and making headway. I was thinking that when my parents taxes are filed for 2020, then I'll be done managing their affairs. Hopefully! I was just annoyed that I had to return my mom's last social security payment. Apparently they require a refund for the payment made the month a person died. Sheesh! We plan to have a short funeral for her on Nov 9th. My parents planned that they would both be buried at the Veteran's Cemetery in Grand Junction, CO. Mom is to be buried on top of dad's casket, so we'll bring her ashes there and do that. The Veteran's Cemetery is completely free, but pretty limited in what they can offer. Basically all burials are at 1pm, and limited to 20 minutes. Yep, 20 minutes then get out! We don't know many people in Grand Junction, and aren't interested in planning a long service, so 20 minutes is fine with us! It'll be good to be there with the grandkids and I'm sure we'll have a good time together. We plan to hike in Zion National Park on our way back to CA, so that'll be fun. I feel guilty about my overwhelming sense of relief over my mom's death. It's a much stronger emotion than my grief. I think that's because when my dad died, we cleaned out their house, went through all their belongings, and moved mom from CO to CA and placed her in a Memory Care center. I think we mourned both my dad and mom at that time. It was the end of life for both of them really, because Mom was already quite lost in dementia. We had to watch her fade away for 2 more years, but for the most part she was already gone. All the things that made her who she was, were gone. During the last 2 years there were only occasional, fleeting glimpses of her true self. So the relief is that she's no longer languishing in that weird shadow world, a world we know she never wanted to last. My aunt, my mom's wise older sister, once said "This is Gail's personal journey and those who love her can offer support ... but at an ultimate level we each have to do our own lives. As dementia progresses some needs may be impossible to meet. But you all love her and care that her journey is as kind and gentle as possible. ... It is not easy but it is often blessed." Boy did she nail it. It hasn't been easy, but it has certainly been blessed. Meanwhile, John continues his personal journey. Lately he has been very frustrated and is aware that he's 'losing his mind'. He's more agitated than he was previously, and his short term memory is getting worse. Last week he put shaving cream in his hair instead of mousse. It's not uncommon for him to put his underwear or shirt on backwards. Things like that make him mad and he repeats "I hate me. I hate me, I hate me." He still worries that his saliva is germy and wants to spit rather than swallow it. Now THAT'S what's germy! It's a bigger problem in the morning and drives me crazy while we're trying to get ready. His caregiver at Easter Seals has commented a couple times recently that she's noticed his memory is getting worse. She took him hiking last Saturday (and I got a free day!), but when they spoke about it the following Monday he had very little recollection. He continues to be obsessed with his books. He moves them all around the house, and sits down intending to read a big stack of books. Last week he was very mad at me and Jordan because he was tring to bring 3 bags of books to Easter Seals one morning! We encouraged him to leave the books at home because he keeps a couple books at Easter Seals to read for a bit while he's there. He often falls asleep while he's reading. I'm not sure how much reading he actually does. He doesn't track what he's read, he doesn't put a bookmark in a book so he can return to where he left off. Last week he brought a bible to Easter Seals and it's gotten pretty worn as he shifts it around the house, and in and out of his backpack. His caregiver offered to bring it home over the weekend and repair it. Now he realizes the bible is missing and keeps bringing it up. I reassure him that it's at Easter Seals, but it's not long until he's forgotten that part and stresses about where the bible is. He can't remember where it is but he can remember it's missing! Argh!