November 15, 2020

We buried Mom last week. The wooden box of her ashes was buried on top of Dad's casket in the Veteran's cemetery in Grand Junction, CO. It was absolutely freezing outside. The wind was blowing hard and it was snowing. The pastor of their Lutheran Church there did the service and it was nice. I spoke for the last 5 minutes. That wasn't so nice. I blubbered along and told some stories about her. I talked about the things the grandkids remember about her (giving them lemon bars and cookies, taking them swimming, reading them stories). In my head I thought it would be smooth and make more sense than it did! The next day we visited the grave and said our final goodbye. We drove by their old house and remembered so many good times in that beautiful house. We chose rocks from the field across the street, taking a little bit of that place with us. I'm glad the service is done. It was hanging over my head I guess. One more miserable step in the long drawn out tradegy that is dementia. It was really cathartic to have our families together. We had lots of fun and laughed and cried. It was heartwarming to see the grandkids having fun together as young adults. They're simply really good humans. I kind of basked in the togetherness. It was healing for me to spend time with everyone. The day before the service we hiked in the nearby Colorado National Monument. It's a beautiful place with deep canyons and interesting rock formations. We went their often with our parents when we visited. We hiked about 7 miles out of the Monument to the town below, passing caves, high canyon walls, and named rock formations like the coke ovens, kissing couple and independence rock which is a favorite of rock climbers. The descent into the canyon is pretty steep in places with big drop offs. Ben was a lifesaver. John's agility is not what it used to be, and he struggled climbing over rocks and feared he'd slip off the ledges. It was a legitimate fear. Ben stayed with him the entire hike, helping his dad navigate the many tricky parts. We would have been in trouble without Ben. He was patient and kind, and endured some verbal abuse from John because John got frustrated. But all in all it was a great day and we all enjoyed being together in a beautiful place. After we left Grand Junction a few days later, we drove to Bryce Canyon. It's at a pretty high elevation so it was colder and icy up there. I ended up slipping on the ice and getting a couple angry scrapes on my knee. So apparently my agility isn't up to snuff either! Next we drove to Zion. We spent 2 days there hiking. It was absolutely beautiful there. The fall colors were still lingering and the skies were clear. John and I stuck to the easier hikes. We started on one trail and soon discovered that there were rocks to climb around and ledges to avoid - so we turned around to return to safer ground. He's just not sure footed enough to prevent a fall. John did better traveling than I expected. He'd get up and wander around our room each night, but not for long. He often complained that I wasn't being clear about what we were doing, even though I'd tell him over and over again. His short term memory has really deteriorated in the last couple of months. Recently he asked me where Jordan lives. She lives in our house with us. He often wonders who is in the house, or who is missing. And he can't remember that Ben lives in Texas. A couple weeks ago his caregiver at Easter Seals took him to Mass. He said 'everything seemed to make sense'. I think his memories of Mass are old enough that he remembers it and feels comfortable there. He often says 'I just want my life back.' And recently said 'I don't have my thoughts anymore.' He continues to be ticked that he's not allowed to drive. He's sure he's more capable of driving than most people and it's just one more injustice in his life. He also says 'I hate that I'm not useful.' Another weird thing - he's become very sensitive to noise. He complains that we talk too loud. And he thinks the hair dryer is very loud and will stand there and plug his ears while I use it. (Lucky for him my hair is thin so it's not a long process!) He also cringes at the sound of his electric razor and acts like it's damaging his hearing. He's no longer able to trim his own finger nails and toe nails. I really hate doing that job for him. If I don't do it for him, it takes forever, and he starts and stops many times, each time requiring me to nag him to get back at it. So I've started doing it, and at least it's fast. He whines the whole time though. Once thing that was nice about traveling - he didn't unload the shelves and drawers trying figure out where things are. But now we're back home, and he's returned to unloading his stuff and spreading it out so he can see everything. It was nice having a break from cleaning up his stuff all the time! He definitely is much happier when he's occupied. He gets very depressed when he doesn't have something to do. He'll be very happy to be back at Easter Seals tomorrow.