May 1, 2022

Things have been pretty crazy lately. John has been increasingly agitated and angry. Friday morning was the worst. He was difficult with me while we were getting ready. Then when Jordan tried to take him to EasterSeals he refused to get in the car and was yelling at her complaining that the car was his and she shouln't be driving it. He called her a child, and ranted and raved about getting his life back, about how much he loved that car, and no one was helping him. She called me and between the 2 of us we finally convinced him to get in the car. Once he got to EasterSeals he didn't calm down. Edna told me later that she wasn't able to take her break because no one else could handle him. He didn't relax until the afternoon. He has ramped up his complaining about the car. He keeps insisting that he needs a car. He's furious that Jordan is driving the car that he loves. Yesterday he was pointing at the toaster asking for something to eat. I assumed he wasn't after toast, but he was asking for a poptart. He said 'I don't know what is or what isn't.' Then while he was eating the poptart he asked 'Am I doing this right? Is there anything I should be doing?' I said 'Just eat.' He said 'I don't think that's gonna go well.' He said he couldn't eat because I wasn't listening to him. Then he added 'I'm having a great trouble of time figuring it out.' He was also very concerned about his eyes. That's a consistant worry of his. He asked me to see what was wrong with his eye. I suggested he wash his face and wipe his eyes, and for some reason that seemed to satisfy him. This morning I made a really good breakfast sandwish (if I say so myself!). He was confused about how to eat it, asking 'what do I do with this? What do I do next?' He has also been concerned about the long ties on his pajama pants. He fusses with the strings, asking me what to do with them. He ties them over and over again. Twice this weekend he couldn't find me in the house, and got very worried. He was roaming around looking for me inside the house and out. It's the out part that has me concerned. I'm upping his morning Seroquel medication again. We don't see the Dr until June, but I think I have enough pills to play around with them a bit. On Saturday one of our brother in laws came over to take John to the movies and out for pizza. I used the time for some shopping therapy! That was really refreshing. When I take John with me I fret about being in the dressing room with him waiting for me. I worry that he might forget where I am and start looking for me. So it was nice to be free of that worry while I shopped. Then that evening John's brother and his wife came over with dinner. It's always good to see them. They saw John more agitated than I think they've seen him before, or at least saw him agitated for a longer period of time. I feel supported when someone gets a glimpse of what's really happening these days and understands some of what we're going through. Last week was our 32nd wedding anniversary. It's been a ride! But so many more happy memories than the shit we're in now. So I try to focus on all the good years. Of course I wish we had good years together ahead of us, but that's not our path. Still, we've had way more good times than bad, so I know we're blessed.