May 15, 2022

Jordan graduates from law school on Friday! Woohoo! Then she'll review for the bar exam until the end of July, and start her new job in mid August at the Children's Law Center. I'm thrilled for her, but there's some bittersweetness in it. John would have been so very proud of her. He would have been her champion throughout school and the bar exam. But he doesn't understand. And he doesn't experience any joy in his daughter's accomplishment. My dad would have been extremely proud as well. So there's loss even in this success. Yesterday it took me over a hour to get John to take a shower. I tried asking politely. I tried cajoling him. I tried begging. I tried crying. I tried forcing him. I don't know what finally worked, but it was a big relief when he finally got in the shower. It had been 3 days since his last shower so I couldn't let it go another day. Then this morning he got in the shower like it was perfectly reasonable. No fuss at all. I don't know why it was different than yesterday, but I was certainly glad it was! Yesterday he was quite upset about the smell of my lotion. He said it was killing him. Today I opted for unscented so as to not ruin the good thing we had going this morning! Earlier this past week John was upset that he hadn't seen Edna and the other ladies at EasterSeals. of course he had just been there an hour or so earlier and had spent the whole day there. But he didn't remember any of it. Last night a couple of John's friends came over bringing a delicious dinner with them. John didn't talk a whole lot, but he was happy they were there and commented about it afterward. As Alzheimer's chips away at John's essence, I try to live in his world and meet him where he's at. This is becoming more difficult as he expresses less and less about what he's thinking. He acts out, but doesn't describe what's going on in his head as much anymore. He'll often say he's afraid, but he can't say what he's afraid of. Time is our enemy. It's weird how I find myself talking about him in the past tense, while he's still with me. But it's also becoming more difficult to remember what he used to be like, as today's memories cloud the old memories even for me. I miss my husband being my husband. That relationship is gone. He doesn't remember that we're married or what that would even mean. He knows that I take care of him and that he can depend on me. He knows my name. Although he sometimes asks me to 'get Susan'. I tell him that I'm Susan, and he responds that he's tired. I think he uses the word 'tired' to mean that he's confused. It's better to be tired than confused, so he goes with tired.