October 19, 2023

It's only 2 more days until I move John into memory care at Crescent Landing. We were there tonight signing (many times) the 66 page contract. They did say that although he'll start out in a shared room (his roommate is bed bound or in a wheelchair) there should be a single room available in a month or two. Last week I cried at the drop of a hat, but this week I've been a bit better. I still feel guilty, sad, relieved, afraid, sad and more sad. For me it's another death in the journey of Alzheimer's. It's one more way the disease steals from us, steals the life we wanted and planned for. I've been working through my to do list to prepare for the move. Basically I've focused on moving forward and making progress. This decision was agonizing and I've been thinking about it for months, and thinking about it more and more often as the weeks rolled by. It signals the end of our lives living together. It's the end of spending so much time together. But I'm looking forward to having a healthier relationship with John. I'll be his spouse again, not relentlessly his caregiver. I'll have help with the heavy lifting, and I'll be able to be with him without having to annoy him by taking care of his every need. About a week ago John fell out of bed and pulled the heavy night stand on top of himself. I tried to lift it off of him, but he wouldn't move his legs out of the way so I was stuck holding the furniture. Fortunately Ben heard the loud noises and John's yells for help, so he ran up the stairs and grabbed the furniture so I could move John's legs. The Ben lifted John off the floor and into bed. Ben also rescued us yesterday morning when John and I were fighting in the garage. John refused to get into the car so I could drive him to EasterSeals and then go to work. John planted his legs on the ground and his arms on the top of the car doorway and was completely immovable. Finally we went on a very short walk to the driveway after which John walked up to the car and got in like a completely cooperative person. That battle lasted 15 minutes though and I was quite late to work. So we have 2 more nights together. Then so much changes. We agreed about this years ago. I know John would support it. I will visit him most days and hope others will visit too. Everyone is welcome. We can drop in at any time of the day or night. And of course I can take him out with me whenever I want. I'm praying the transition is better than I fear, and that he adjusts relatively easily. And hopefully I will too.