June 13, 2022

Lately we've noticed that John has been less agitated. He fights less when we're getting ready for the day, and argues less often with Jordan when she's trying to get him into the car to go to EasterSeals in the morning. It's a significant relief to have fewer battles. That's not to say he isn't complaining - he does that often. But he's less angry and combative. But we've also noticed that his memory is even shorter and he understands less of the world around him. He often doesn't remember things for more than a moment. But after a few reminders he sometimes remembers that I'm repeating myself. He's confused a lot and that frustrates him. We'll be gone all day but once home he asks 'who's coming over?' because he's forgotten that we just did something and he needs something to do. Today was yet another death of sorts. I completed the paperwork to resign John from the California Bar Association. I'd been avoiding the paperwork for a few days but finally forced myself to face it. It feels disrespectful to him to file this resignation. If John had any understanding of what I was doing, he would be extremely angry and upset. Being a lawyer has been a source of pride for him and it has been a significant part of his identity. The resignation is a large nail in the coffin of his life. I kept him on inactive status for a number of years (paying reduced dues and avoiding the requirement of continued education). But it's ridiculous to pay fees for something that he'll never do again. Once an attorney resigns from the bar it would require passing the bar exam again to return to active status and practice law again, so it's a big deal and there's no going back on this one. So I'm stuck mourning a loss he no longer understands, but would devastate him.